yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
