every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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