i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
