I met the friendliest cop last night
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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