I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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