i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Randomize
