dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
never play flip cup with pint glasses
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
