Kareoke will never be a sober sport
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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