tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
