Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
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