The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
