i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
