fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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