My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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