I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
