The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
