I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
