I wish I could teleport
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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