Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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