When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize