White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
