I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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