Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
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