Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
