I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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