the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
