I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
