I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
