I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Randomize
