do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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