I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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