just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
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