when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
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