i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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