Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
