thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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