How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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