So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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