Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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