she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
