Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
