New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I looked at my own cervix.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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