just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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