I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
