alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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