1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
someone threw a dead crab at me
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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