I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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