K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
