As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
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