I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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