I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
