does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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