No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
