It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Randomize
