Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
