I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
