I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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