Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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