I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
