You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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