I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I don't deserve a penis
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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