At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Randomize
