Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
